it was a sunny day, i woke up with a big smile on my face, because i knew i was going to the beach today. my mom packed us some sandwiches and fruits, we took our beach umbrella, towels and sunscreen, then we hopped into the car. the ride was a bit bumpy, but the excitement in my heart made it all worth it.
when we arrived, the sand was warm and soft beneath my feet, like walking on a giant pillow. i saw the ocean, it looked so blue and vast, it made me feel tiny. i ran towards the water, splashing around, not caring about getting wet. my little brother, timmy, built a sandcastle nearby, he was so focused, it was cute to watch. but then, a wave came and washed it away, he cried a bit, but i cheered him up by showing him how to catch crabs.
after lunch, we played beach volleyball with some new friends we met. it was my first time playing, and i wasn't very good. i kept missing the ball, but they were all very patient, teaching me how to serve and spike. it was fun, even though i lost most of the points.
as the sun started setting, we sat on the beach, watching the colors of the sky change from orange to purple. it was a peaceful moment, and i felt grateful for this day. we had dinner at a seafood restaurant nearby, the fish tasted so fresh, it was like nothing i've ever eaten before.
looking back, it was a perfect day, filled with laughter and learning. i realized that sometimes, simple things can bring the most joy. next time, i want to try surfing, i think it'll be thrilling!
老師評語：
該文描繪了一天在海灘的活動，生動有趣，但有些地方需要注意。'the ride was a bit bumpy, but the excitement in my heart made it all worth it.' 這句話中的“worth it”用得不夠準(zhǔn)確，應(yīng)改為“worth the discomfort”。另外，'i wasn't very good. i kept missing the ball,' 這里的句子結(jié)構(gòu)可以簡化，改為'i kept missing, but they patiently taught me.'
內(nèi)容亮點：
文章中的情感表達(dá)豐富，尤其是對海灘景色和活動的描繪，富有生活氣息。作者成功地傳達(dá)了在海灘度過一天的喜悅和滿足感。
優(yōu)化參考：
在描述打沙灘排球的部分，可以增加一些具體的動作細(xì)節(jié)，如：“i tried to hit the ball, but it slipped through my fingers, tumbling down to the sand.” 這樣能讓讀者更好地想象場景。
批改后作文
it was a radiant morning, my grin stretching wide as i stepped out of bed, for today's adventure was a trip to the seashore. mum packed our picnic basket with sandwiches and juicy fruits, along with the trusty beach umbrella, fluffy towels, and sunscreen. we set off in the car, the slight顛簸 adding a touch of excitement to the journey.
upon arrival, the sand welcomed me warmly, its texture akin to a soft mattress under my toes. the ocean, a vast expanse of cerulean blue, seemed to dwarf everything else. i dashed towards the waves, laughing as they playfully splashed against me. meanwhile, timmy, my little brother, was engrossed in constructing a sandcastle. when a wave swept it away, his tears turned to laughter as i guided him to chase after crabs instead.
for lunch, we feasted on the sandy shore, the breeze carrying the scent of the sea. after, we engaged in a friendly game of beach volleyball with newfound friends. despite my inexperience, their encouragement made me feel at ease. i fumbled often, but each miss became a lesson, turning the game into a delightful learning experience.
as the sun began its descent, we sat, mesmerized by the sky's evolving hues, transitioning from fiery orange to tranquil purple. in that serene moment, gratitude swelled within me for the simplicity of this day. dinner at a nearby seafood joint was a gastronomic delight, the freshness of the fish an unforgettable taste.
reflecting, it was a day brimming with joy and discovery. it reinforced the notion that happiness often lies in the simplest of moments. next time, i aspire to conquer the waves, eager to experience the thrill of surfing.
作文寫作素材：
閱讀參考
1. "where the sidewalk ends" by shel silverstein - for its imaginative storytelling.
2. "the giving tree" by shel silverstein - for its emotional depth and simplicity.
3. "beachcomber"s guide to seashore life" - for enhancing knowledge about beach creatures and environment.
4. "the waves" by virginia woolf - for its poetic descriptions of nature and human emotions.
相關(guān)詩句
1. 伯鸞長嘯出東都，來卜龍邱二畝居。千歲仍昆作英語，五噫文采尚周馀。胸中萬卷未得力，堂下一言誰識渠。我亦微官方冷甚，恨無燕玉可相噓。
