my trip to the seaside
last summer, my family and i went on a trip to the seaside. it was my first time seeing the ocean, and i was so excited! we packed our bags with sunscreen, towels, and snacks, and we hit the road early in the morning. the journey was long but full of fun as we sang songs and played games in the car.
when we finally arrived, the beach was just as i'd imagined – vast, blue, and sparkling under the sun. i couldn't wait to dip my toes into the water, but mom said we had to put on sunscreen first. i felt like a turtle being covered in goo, but i knew it was important. then, i ran towards the waves, feeling the sand slipping between my fingers, warm and soft.
i built a sandcastle with my little brother, but the waves kept destroying it. it was frustrating at first, but then we started laughing when the castle turned into a pile of mush. dad taught us how to catch crabs, and mom read her book while sipping lemonade. it was a perfect day, except for when i ate too much ice cream and got a stomachache.
the sunset was breathtaking, painting the sky with hues of orange and pink. i felt so small compared to the grandeur of nature. as we headed back to our hotel, i looked back at the fading daylight and thought, 'wow, this is what happiness feels like.'
老師評語：
the essay captures the essence of a seaside vacation with vivid descriptions and personal experiences. however, there are a few areas for improvement. the transition from packing to arriving at the beach could be smoother. also, the sentence 'i felt like a turtle being covered in goo' might confuse readers due to its unconventional metaphor. lastly, the sudden mention of a stomachache after eating ice cream lacks adequate context.
內(nèi)容亮點(diǎn)：
the author skillfully conveys the excitement and joy of a first-time beach experience. the imagery of the sunset and the emotional reflection at the end add depth to the narrative. the playful interaction with the sandcastle and the螃蟹 adds a touch of humor.
優(yōu)化參考：
the transition could be improved by adding a sentence about the anticipation during the journey: 'after what seemed like hours, we reached the coastline, my heart pounding with excitement.' the metaphor about sunscreen can be revised to 'i felt like a protected knight, coated in a protective shield.' lastly, mentioning the ice cream earlier and describing the act of eating it would provide context for the stomachache.
批改后作文
last summer, my family embarked on a seaside adventure. the anticipation during the lengthy journey was palpable, with songs and games filling the car. upon arrival, the ocean unfolded before us, a mesmerizing expanse of blue under the radiant sun. sunscreen application felt like a knight's armor, protecting me from the sun's rays.
i eagerly sprinted towards the water, the sand slipping through my fingers, warm and velvety. my brother and i constructed a sandcastle, only to see it swallowed by mischievous waves. instead of frustration, laughter filled the air. dad shared his crab-catching skills, while mom enjoyed her book, the lemonade's tanginess a refreshing accompaniment. overindulging in ice cream led to a temporary setback, a lesson in moderation learned.
as the sun bid farewell, painting the sky in a fiery spectacle, i couldn't help but reflect on the day's joys. in that moment, i understood the true meaning of happiness.
作文寫作素材：
閱讀參考
for better writing, consider studying "the giving tree" by shel silverstein for emotional depth, "where the wild things are" by maurice sendak for imaginative storytelling, and "the beach" by alex garland for descriptive techniques in capturing a setting. additionally, revisiting english lessons on metaphors and smooth transitions will be beneficial.
